Friday, December 16, 2005

It's almost 3am and I'm still working...

I feel like I'm working all the time. Not just the office stuff. Everything feels like work these days.

I am trying to clear my work stuff so I can have more time to spend with Laura these last couple of weeks in her school holidays. In doing so, I seem to be neglecting my family. It is 3am and I am busy preparing cheque payment. Just so the performers and myself get paid before Christmas. I also need to prepare for a corporate show in Johor Bahru this Saturday.

Meanwhile, I need to be mindful of grocery supplies at home. Is there enough vegetable or milk? Do I need to go to the supermarket or the wet market soon? Just when I think I'm ahead of stuff, it's the time of the month for paying bills.

While I am trying to keep abreast of my work work and household stuff, my kids and the biggest baby also need attention. All through the school holidays, I've had very little time for Laura. My children have been spending most days watching "Bug's Life", "Alice in Wonderland", "Monsters Inc" and "Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs".

I am feeling overwhelmed and underpaid. Underpaid in $$ and also in hugs and cuddles. I miss having someone to chat with without the "conversation" turning into ways to help me improve myself or being led on a guilt trip about how I am not spending enough time with the children. We have been like two ship passing in the night. I'm out in the office or out with the kids in the day while he caught up on sleep. Then he was out for performances at night. By the time PT is home, I am using the quiet time at night to catch up with paper work or sorting out stuff that needs to be done the next day. One of us will be in front of the PC and the other staring at the TV. *sigh*

I feel swamped! I've not been able to get any time for myself. I've not had time to go get a haircut in months! My nails look like shit and I'm dying for a tai-tai day out. Where to find the time? Any spare time is allocated for the children. Even my daughter has shown me signs that I'm not managing my time properly. In role play, she picks up her toy handphone and says:

"Hello, I will see you shortly. I am going to drop my kids off at your place ok? Then I will come pick them up later."

Yes, I've been doing that. Drop the children off with our helper at a friend's house so the children can play together.

This Christmas, I'm sure my children and husband are not looking forward to expensive presents from me. They want TIME WITH ME!

Is it that I'm bad at time management or have I bitten off more than I can chew? I feel like I'm in a rut which I do not know how to get out from. HELP!


Blogger JoMel said...

Min, first of all, a BIG BIG BIG BIG hug to you!

Aiyo, what can I say? I too am guilty of that, not spending enough time with my kids. However, I feel that we mothers are all like that. No matter, how much time we dedicate to our children, we would still have that nagging feeling that we might still not be spending sufficient time with them. Having said that, is there really a benchmark which specifies how many hours a day is considered ok???

I wouldn't know how to advice you Min, but we are only human, with limited capabilities and limited time. The world which we are living in is very realistic. We have bills that need taken care of. We too have ourselves to take care of. Therefore I would say, just do your best, if you best is not good enough, so be it!

Re. the tai tai day out, go lah. If it makes you feel better, bring Laura along. Nothing wrong with that what. You can still enjoy yourself occasionally. I know I do.

And if anyone dare to judge you, just ask them, "Who died and made you God?"

1:13 am  
Blogger Min said...

I had a wonderful day with my son today. Adam loves to bowl but Laura doesn't. Today, PT took Laura to watch Narnia while I took Adam bowling. He was sooooooo happy! If it's possible to bottle his look when he got into the car with me, I will be rich! Adam doesn't get to spend very much time with just me.

1:32 am  
Anonymous Kat said...

Hi dear. Happy that you had a good time with Adam. I remember when I had dinner alone with Hyi. It was so nice to be able to just concentrate on one kid and focus all the attention on her. You know my little one, can't keep my eyes away from him for too long!!

I know exactly what you mean, so many things to do, so little time... Being a mother can be such a thankless job some times!! Sometimes I secretly wish I don't have to be so darn efficient!! But what to do, the household needs a firm hand!!

You'll be going away to your holiday soon, so don't feel too guilty about clearing your stuff now.

P/s: don't you just hate it when you try to unload your feelings, husbands try to give you advice on how to improve yourself, instead of just lending a sympathetic ear?? That's why we will always have our girlfriends, from our single, carefree days to marriage, and to the hectic, busy days of motherhood!

Have a good holiday!!

1:19 pm  
Blogger JoMel said...

Min, the look on their face: priceless! I know what you meant! Haha..

And yes Kat, I agree its so much easier and more relaxed when you just bring one along. And it makes us feel less guilty too. Take turns lah, what to do. :D

2:10 pm  
Anonymous geetha said...

Being a working mother is definitely tough. Hang in there. I'm sure they know you trying ur best...

Try to get someone to help u at work. Talk to you kid. Make sure she understands why u need to work so hard and have little time to spend with her.. very important.. At home, get hubby to help you around the house and get things organized.. I'm sure he will be happy to help around a bit... I know, sometimes its tough to get them to move an inch! Hehehee

4:34 pm  
Blogger Mel T said...

I don't suppose you'd feel any better knowing that you're not the only one living life like a never-ending balancing act. :-)

11:06 pm  

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