Monday, June 20, 2011

Nowhere to turn to

My head feels like an overstuffed luggage bag.  Everything is ever needed is inside but because it's stuffed so full, I have trouble looking for things.  I have ideas, matters I need to attend to, cake ideas, biz ideas, tasks to be done, mixed emotions, errands to run.... everything is stuffed inside and nowhere to go.  I am not the most organized person which is unfortunate.  I do try very hard to be organized but...  Sometimes my head feels a blur and I feel I do not have anywhere to turn to.  Asking for advice just makes me more confused.  People almost never listen first before dishing out advice.  Sometimes I'm afraid to say something for fear of having my words thrown back at me.

I'm just rambling now...  Trying to put some words down so my mind is less cluttered.  Help...  I wish I can just create.  Leave me to create.  I want to play, to challenge my mind.  Sometimes I feel my life is spiralling out of control and it's scaring me...

Time to stop rambling and go to bed. 

Trouble sleeping

I've been having trouble sleeping lately.  I do feel tired but just can't seems to fall asleep or sleep soundly.  As soon as there is any idle time, my mind goes to overdrive thinking what lies ahead of the week, what orders there are and what needs to be done.  This is very different from a few years ago.  I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

This is one of those nights I have trouble sleeping.  At times like this, I blog in my head.  Tonight, I'd decided to get up and put this down.

Business has been going well.  I've been pretty busy but resenting time away from the family.  My children are growing up way too fast.  I can't help thinking they're growing up without me too.  I'm going through some kind of funk again.  Is it possible to go through mid-life crisis twice in a lifetime?  Within the time span of a few years?  Sometimes, I long for the days when Laura and Adam were babies.  If I can turn back time, I'll hold them and cuddle them more.  I will have them close to me all the time, wear them wherever I go.  If I can turn back time, I want to be able to be there with Adam's first foods and be more of an influence in his eating habits.  Abba's song "Slipping Through My Fingers" constantly plays in my head.  Fortunately, my children are still young and I have the opportunity to spend time with them.  Unfortunately, running a young business means a lot of time away from them.  I do not want to look back through this phase in my life with regrets.  It's so tough being a mama and running a biz.  *sigh*  Am I sacrificing their my time with them in the present for their future?  Sometimes I also feel disconnected from my family.  It is a very scary feeling.